I spent two weeks with my mother, trying to help her figure out how to get care for herself and get care for her husband and how to survive financially if her husband needed to go to residential care. She wasn't old enough yet for Social Security herself- only 60 years old. Whenever we would start to get to work on it, she would be having trouble breathing and we would need to go to the hospital. Her fight against stage 4 lung cancer was going well, but the recurring pneumonia was really taking a toll.
I spent another few days with her in the hospital, wondering. On one hand, she seemed so strong and so full of fight, and the doctors said she would get better and go home. But I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the nurses had this look on their faces when the doctor was talking about her getting better. And I just jumped from hope to grief, and then back again. I called my grandmother and she came to be with us. My mom would just lean on her and say, "Mama." And finally, the doctor said it was time to intubate her and admitted that her chances of survival were nearly non-existent. It was my job to say no. No tubes, no machines, no delaying what was coming soon enough anyway. So I did. I said no, and then they were able to give her enough medication to finally ease her pain and her anxiety over not being able to get a real deep breath. She was peaceful. She slept.
Grandma and I were with her. Through the night we could hear the change in her breathing, and in the morning, with her mother and her daughter by her side, she took her last breath.
Someone had told me that I would be able to feel her spirit in the room, and that she would be there for a while before leaving. I did feel her, but she did not wait. One second she was there, and the next she was gone. She did not wait, but flew! She went to heaven so fast, and my heart was so filled with joy for her sake. I could feel how happy she was. She was reunited with my dad, her true love. She had people waiting there for her. No more cancer. No more fighting. Just Joy.
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